My Personal Finale

I love to sing. I love to perform. I love to hear applause after I've shared my soul through song. I love the crowd. I love the costumes. I love the company. I love the sense of accomplishment. I love it all.
So, it's strange to think, that after only 4 shows with Kimball Theatre, my run is over. I'm a Senior, and I'm leaving. Soon. My time as Sandy Dumbrowski is over, and my time as a high schooler is ending, too.



The night of my last performance, I really felt very little sadness. While others were crying during their "Senior Night" recognition, I was rather happy. "Thank GOODNESS. I can finally get out of here," was truly my most prominent thought. High School has not been a remarkably enjoyable experience for me, (though it has had many upsides) so I was thrilled to be receiving some proof of my impending release.

Lately, though, I've begun to feel a little different. I thought that after "Grease" ended, I would have plenty of time to do tons of things. Turns out, not really. College Applications. The name makes me shudder.

Future.
Scary.
Difficult.
Unknown.

That's pretty much what's going through my head right now.

So, even though it is a blessing to be a Senior and to be able to have a future rushing upon me, I want to slow down and talk about some of the blessings I've received through Kimball Theatre. It's been a fabulous experience for me, and I am so filled with gratitude.

I'm having trouble even beginning.

I am so grateful that I've had the opportunity to do what I LOVE. Getting to stay hours after school to sing isn't really all that bad a lot of the time. And on stage, singing is such an intimate experience. Singing to one, single person, can be a terrifying thing. Looking one person in the eye and singing is often simply awkward, nerve wracking and uncomfortable. But singing on a stage, it's a far different experience, and to me, almost a more intimate one. You can truly just SING. Being able to "hide" behind a character really allows you to share your true emotions, without the same fears that accompany normal communication. It's really extremely beautiful and liberating.

I am so grateful for the people I've met. Some of my strongest, most wonderful relationships have been forged through my experiences with theater, and I am so grateful for it! What a wonderful support system, and so often an extremely dedicated one, too. It is awesome to have friends that share your interests, and that can gush about "Les Mis" and Ramin Karimloo with you.

I am so grateful for the support system OUTSIDE of theatre. I hadn't recognized how much support I receive until recently, when I saw how much my mom does for me, how supportive my friend group is, how patient all the wonderful parents are, how excited all my ward family is for me....I couldn't have asked for more loving and sustaining people in my life. <3

I am so grateful for the confidence I've been able to gain. Especially in this last production, my confidence has grown. I'm not going to say it won't fluctuate, but truly, being able to do something out of my comfort zone, such as "Sexy Sandy" and having people tell me that I was successful at it was truly, strangely, breathtaking. I can do hard things! I can expand my horizons! I'm not simply limited to one kind of character! (Though have truly enjoyed the characters I've been able to play.) I'm beautiful, hot and sexy, and I've never felt that way before. I know it isn't the most important thing in the world to be any of those things, but it was definitely liberating and a maturing experience.

I have had the most wonderful opportunities these last three years. I've received better parts than I ever could have imagined I would receive. I've been blessed with Mrs. Neylan as a fabulous director with incredible vision. I've been so blessed. I am so blessed.

Failure

Today I read a quote that had an extremely profound effect on me. It reads, "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."
Now, that quote is by the enormously successful, J.K. Rowling. One of the most revered, and wealthy women of our time. And she, of all people, is talking about failure? I understand your skepticism. I really do. But she was not always the author of Harry Potter. She was a single mom, struggling to pay rent, that had hit rock bottom, and that began the Harry Potter series on napkins in a cafe. Don't you think she worried that her novel, her brain child, would be rejected and ridiculed? And I'm sure it was several times. And I'm sure she felt like a complete, utter failure. Divorced, poor, not able to provide for herself or her child...But she took a chance. She chose to not live cautiously and keep her ideas to herself. She put herself out there for criticism. And it paid off.
Is that not the scariest thing? Putting ourselves out there? After all the time and effort we may put into a project, what if it isn't accepted or appreciated or liked? What if everyone hates it? And sometimes, that just might happen. But if we allow that to hold us back, to prevent us from living rather than existing, we "fail by default."
This quote reminds me of the T.S. Elliot poem entitled, "The Hollow Men." (If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it!) How often do we let the small things--people, criticism, fear, laziness--get in the way of us achieving? How often do we allow "the Shadow" to come between what we want to do, and the actual action of doing so. How often do we allow "the Shadow" to come between the conception and the creation, or the emotion and the response? You know what I think one of the most common "shadows" in our lives is? Fear. Fear of pain. Fear of criticism. Fear of ostracism. Fear of failure.
One of the stanzas of this poem reads:
"Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men"
Why? Why do they not remember us? Because, due to a fear of inadequacy, defeat, and heartache, we do nothing. We are "cautious." And in doing nothing and being cautious, we become, nothing.
"Better to be safe than sorry." What if, by being "safe," we are sorry? I'm not saying, "Jump off a cliff." I'm saying, take chances. Follow your dreams. Do what you always dreamed of doing. Is that not better than forever living with "What if?" Yes, practicality is important. But sometimes, you need to jump. You need to fail.
Another reason that failure(which sometimes results from stupidity) is so vital is that failure is how we grow. Failure is how we change, it's how we progress! I mean, if you know something is dangerous, don't do it. For example, if you know it is morally wrong, usually that's a good pointer to whether or not what you're about to do is not okay. Try to learn from other's mistakes in situations like that, (even though, moral mistakes are not the end of the world, and I'll address that another time.) but in other situations, take some chances. Don't let others’ opinions of what is "stupid" or "cool" shape YOU. Try to publish that novel! Audition for Broadway! Send Yale your college application! Start learning that language you've been dying to learn! Try out for that team!

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."

Fail by experience, not by default.

Eternal Goals

Today at Seminary, Sister Comber asked us what we would ask for from Christ, if we could ask for one thing. To me, the answer came rather easily. I want help in choosing the right husband. I know it is far off, I have years and years to grow and mature(Thank GOODNESS.) But still, to me, thinking about this specific issue can be a source of anxiety. 

I so want my husband and myself to have the same goals. I've seen temple marriages that haven't worked out, and so I know that a temple wedding alone doesn't seal the deal. If a couple doesn't go into the temple with the same goals for their lives, a temple wedding won't keep them together. The scarier thing to me, though, is when even though a couple goes in with the same goals, those goals change for the worse or disappear all together. To me, that would be the ultimate betrayal. Yes, I want to change and mature and grow and learn throughout my life, but I want my ETERNAL goals to remain the same. It is just scary sometimes to think that when you are married, for time and all eternity, you are really tying yourself to someone in the most intimate way. And what if they change for the worse? I am going to do everything in my power to change for the better and find an eternal partner who will do his very best to change positively, too.

So, what are my goals? They're really goals that I've set to help me reach my Eternal Goal of eternal life. I want my husband and myself to be worthy to be married in the temple and to remain worthy. I want my husband and I to keep our covenants to God and to one another. I want to raise and teach my children the Gospel. I want to teach them to be Christ-like. I want family scripture study and prayer to be a priority. 

I'm going to live worthy now to find someone worthy when the time comes for me to make that choice. And I'm going to do whatever I can to keep my eternal goals in perspective, and also to keep them as goals for my entire family for my entire life.